Fuck/Marry/Kill: The Andy Griffith Show

National Lackwit
3 min readSep 2, 2020

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Pictured: The catfishin’ hole.

The Andy Griffith Show has been delighting viewers with the laid back, folksy autocracy of a small-town sheriff for over half a century. No matter what fads may come and go, Andy endures. Everyone who counts has a favorite character and a favorite episode. Given that level of universal appeal, we went to the streets to find out what Mayberry means to various men and women wandering the streets.

Richard, 61
Teacher

Fuck: Floyd the Barber

Marry: Barney Fife

Kill: God(?)

Comments: “Why do you ask? Are you guys making some kind of… Andy Griffith porno? Sounds filthy. …Need an Opie?”

Shasta, 24
Systems Analyst

Fuck: Barney Fife

Marry: Barney Fife

Kill: Barney Fife

Comments: “I like some pension with my strange.”

Mike, 39
Personal Trainer

Fuck: N/A

Marry: N/A

Kill: N/A

Comments: “What the hell kind of question is that? Get the fuck out of here before I call the damn police! Shit.”

Natalie, 53
Medical Transcriptionist

Fuck: Barney Fife

Marry: Otis

Kill: Floyd the Barber

Comments: “Having an affair with a cop while being married to a drunk and killing a barber is pretty much my life now.”

Clint, 44
Musicologist

Fuck: Aunt Bea

Marry: Helen Crump

Kill: Mayor Stoner

Comments: “Helen Crump would be like my consort because I’d be putting it to Aunt Bea all day and all of the night, Ray Davies style!”

Grover, 29
Leech

Fuck: Opie

Marry: Aunt Bea

Kill: Opie

Comments: “To be clear — I mean ‘fuck Opie’ like ‘hey, fuck that guy!’ Not like, ‘hey, put me on another registry!’”

Kelly, 36
Erotic Baker

Fuck: Andy

Marry: Opie

Kill: Aunt Bea

Comments: “You’re not the first person to ask! You are the first person to ask about chocolate Barney Fife wangs. Office party? No? Alright, then.”

We’d like to extend our deepest apologies to the surviving cast and crew of The Andy Griffith Show, as well as the handful of readers who made it all the way to the end. Not that you creatures deserve any sort of apology or even the smallest amount of human kindness.

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