Fuck/Marry/Kill: The Andy Griffith Show
The Andy Griffith Show has been delighting viewers with the laid back, folksy autocracy of a small-town sheriff for over half a century. No matter what fads may come and go, Andy endures. Everyone who counts has a favorite character and a favorite episode. Given that level of universal appeal, we went to the streets to find out what Mayberry means to various men and women wandering the streets.
Richard, 61
Teacher
Fuck: Floyd the Barber
Marry: Barney Fife
Kill: God(?)
Comments: “Why do you ask? Are you guys making some kind of… Andy Griffith porno? Sounds filthy. …Need an Opie?”
Shasta, 24
Systems Analyst
Fuck: Barney Fife
Marry: Barney Fife
Kill: Barney Fife
Comments: “I like some pension with my strange.”
Mike, 39
Personal Trainer
Fuck: N/A
Marry: N/A
Kill: N/A
Comments: “What the hell kind of question is that? Get the fuck out of here before I call the damn police! Shit.”
Natalie, 53
Medical Transcriptionist
Fuck: Barney Fife
Marry: Otis
Kill: Floyd the Barber
Comments: “Having an affair with a cop while being married to a drunk and killing a barber is pretty much my life now.”
Clint, 44
Musicologist
Fuck: Aunt Bea
Marry: Helen Crump
Kill: Mayor Stoner
Comments: “Helen Crump would be like my consort because I’d be putting it to Aunt Bea all day and all of the night, Ray Davies style!”
Grover, 29
Leech
Fuck: Opie
Marry: Aunt Bea
Kill: Opie
Comments: “To be clear — I mean ‘fuck Opie’ like ‘hey, fuck that guy!’ Not like, ‘hey, put me on another registry!’”
Kelly, 36
Erotic Baker
Fuck: Andy
Marry: Opie
Kill: Aunt Bea
Comments: “You’re not the first person to ask! You are the first person to ask about chocolate Barney Fife wangs. Office party? No? Alright, then.”
We’d like to extend our deepest apologies to the surviving cast and crew of The Andy Griffith Show, as well as the handful of readers who made it all the way to the end. Not that you creatures deserve any sort of apology or even the smallest amount of human kindness.
