Holiday Hot Takes!
Ah, Christmas…
That magical time of year when people who don’t have steady jobs ring a bell in front of a big box store on behalf of charities that don’t actually benefit them… when we gather around with the kids to relive holiday episodes of classic sitcoms and point out who’s dead now… when strangers will tell you exactly how they feel, almost like any other day, but in a parking lot instead of a YouTube comment section…
As is the case here:
What kind of Christmas traditions does your family have?
“I visit my children’s graves. They all died in the War on Christmas.”
- Carl Townshend, 72, Tampa, FL
What kind of toys did you receive as a child?
“One Christmas I asked my parents for a pop gun. They bought me a musket and made me execute my grandfather. …One time I got a Spirograph.”
- Bill Saunders, 40, Milwaukee, WI
What kinds of gifts are you giving this year?
“My love and affection. But nobody will want those, so I also bought a damn Nintendo.”
- Beverly Price, 55, Greensboro, NC
What kinds of decorations do you have on your house?
“My landlord put a festive eviction notice on my front door. It was shaped like a snowflake. Well, it was a rectangle, but they say all snowflakes are different, so it could easily be a rectangular snowflake. Either way, I have to be out by New Year’s.”
- Jenna Kwan, 24, Aurora, CO
What kind of decorations do you put on your tree?
“All of my decorations are repurposed crucifixes. Circle of Life.”
- Alfred Romero, 53, San Jose, CA
What special foods do you enjoy at Christmastime?
“When I was a kid, my favorite food was mashed potatoes. Now it’s ass. I don’t have the heart to tell my wife I don’t like her potatoes.”
- Erick Simmons, 33, Nashville-Davidson, TN
What are some of your favorite songs to sing at Christmastime?
“Really anything by Skrillex.”
- Gayle Trainor, 58, Huntington, NY
Is going to church a big part of your Christmas celebration?
“God made it clear it’s best we just exchange cards.”
- Martha Cobb, 42, Cincinnati, OH
Do you have Christmas work parties? What are they like?
“They mainly take place in the break room. You’re not allowed to touch anybody. Sometimes the janitor pretends he’s Santa Claus and passes out gifts he couldn’t normally afford.”
- Derek Marquez, 39, St. Paul, MN
What do you see as the biggest difference between Christmas today and Christmas when you were a child?
“Well, pubic hair.”
- Traci Scott, 36, Virginia Beach, VA
What is your best Christmas memory?
“I don’t remember it, per se, but I think the most significant event was when Santa Claus conquered the Martians after they made the Challenger explode.”
- Greg Ruiz, 33, Henderson, NV
In your opinion, what is the true meaning of Christmas?
“Webster’s defines Christmas as a Christian feast on December twenty-fifth or among some Eastern Orthodox Christians on January seventh that commemorates the birth of Christ and is usually observed as a legal holiday. So… you know… choke on it, atheists. The Christ-love, I mean.”
- Letitia Bradford, 37, Portland, OR
Welp, that wraps up National Lackwit’s Christmas 2020. Next year we’ll have a book to sell you and — given the current state of streaming — maybe a movie. Maybe in the movie, Randy Quaid will hilariously pump his toxic chemical toilet waste down our septic tank. Maybe it’s not a movie, but a sad cry for help and we should really call someone or try to do something while there’s still time.
Haha, merrrrrrrrrry Christmas!
