Make Christmas Carols Great Again
Scene I:
INT: Trump Tower — Christmas Eve
A swirl of seasonal sycophants call out random accusations to each other and sing a merry round of “Bawitdaba.”
BOB CRATCHIT, a wiry little man from the water company, shuffles into the doorway. DONALD TRUMP sits in an over-sized chair with his back to CRATCHIT, dreamily dipping a McDonald’s cheeseburger into a ketchup packet. TRUMP’S daughter, IVANKA, enters, hands out presidential pardons to a small choir gathered in the hallway, and gives them each a can of Goya beans from a gigantic pile next to the doorway.
IVANKA
Merry Christmas, Dad!
TRUMP
Bah! Covfefe!
IVANKA
‘Bah! Covfefe!,’ Dad? I hope that’s QAnon code.
TRUMP
I don’t even know what that is. What is that? I’ve heard good things. I’ve never heard of it. Who’s that guy? He looks like a loser.
CRATCHIT
Uh — B-Bob Cratchit, sir.
TRUMP
What kind of name is that? You don’t look Russian or Chinese.
CRATCHIT
No… sir.
TRUMP
Well, get your pardon and go. Help yourself to some beans, on me.
CRATCHIT
No, sir — I… I’m with the water company. I can’t deposit this check you left in our overnight bin because there’s no signature. I have to clear your utility debt before the city will give me my Christmas bonus. My-my family is counting on that money…
TRUMP
Bah! Covfefe! It’s the bank’s fault. They’re out to get me because I did their jobs so much better than they do.
CRATCHIT
But — you can clearly see there isn’t a signa —
TRUMP
Probably an oversight at the bank. They’re fine people. Payroll will get it all worked out in the new year.
CRATCHIT
I’m sure they could, but… I thought since I have the check right here and you —
TRUMP
Sorry. Can’t do that. Accounting needs to make sure it’s not fraud.
CRATCHIT
Well, I read in your book that you often don’t sign checks on purpose to keep cash flow under control.
TRUMP
What book? The Bible?
CRATCHIT
Um… No. The other one. The… one you wrote? The one where you talk about how to screw people over.
TRUMP
Not ringing a bell.
CRATCHIT
You give out signed copies to everyone you meet?
TRUMP
Betty and Veronica Double Digest?
CRATCHIT
No, sir —
TRUMP
You take forever to say anything. Spit it out. You just go on forever. Never say anything. It’s incredible. Just on and on and never say anything. Or you say the same thing several ways because you’re very stupid.
CRATCHIT
Yes, sir. If you could just sign this one check, sir. If it’s quite convenient, sir.
TRUMP
It’s not convenient and it’s not fair. If I signed that check, what would people think? They’d think I owed you money. Why would I owe you money? Are you from the IRS? No money today, Uncle Sam! Hit the road. My way or the highway. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
CRATCHIT
…Yes, sir. Well — Merry Christmas, sir.
TRUMP
What’s merry about it? Do you know something? Is Santa bringing me a presidency?
CRATCHIT
…I don’t know, sir. I certainly hope so, if that will make you happy. Well… goodbye.
TRUMP
What did he mean by that? Was he being sarcastic? Does he know something about the election?
IVANKA
Oh, he was just some nobody. Let’s get ready for the Christmas party.
TRUMP
I’m not going. I don’t wanna go. You can’t make me.
DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR barges into the room.
JUNIOR
Dad! I just left a secret meeting that never happened… upstairs!
TRUMP
Who was this meeting with?
JUNIOR
A mysterious robed figure!
TRUMP
Karl Rove?
JUNIOR
No! Robed! Maybe! I don’t know! Yaaaaaaaagh!
IVANKA
Why are you screaming?
JUNIOR
Not because of cocaine, certainly! Anway — Dad! He gave me a message! For you!
TRUMP
Well — What was the message? Hurry up. I’m a busy man.
JUNIOR
He said, ‘Tonight your father — Donald J. Trump, the greatest president of any country ever — will be visited by three spirits!’ …That’s it! I added the part about the greatest president ever! Can I have a hug?!
TRUMP
Did he say what these spirits want?
JUNIOR
No! He did not!
TRUMP
It’s probably Jesus. But who are the other two? Does Jesus have two friends?
Scene II
INT: Donald Trump’s Bedroom — Night
VOICE
Donald! Donald! Wake up, Donald.
TRUMP
…Hmp. That you, Melania? Ready for Round One?
VOICE
Time to get up, Donald.
TRUMP
I don’t want to go to Washington today.
VOICE
Well, the good news is that you aren’t.
TRUMP
What’s the bad news?
VOICE
That you’ve been there for four years.
TRUMP
Who — ? Obama?!
THE SPIRIT SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Well… Actually, I’m the Spirit of Christmas Past. You just see and hear Barack Obama because… Well… I think maybe you have a crush on him. And that’s okay.
TRUMP
What do you want, loser?
SPIRIT
Classy. I’m here to take you on a trip, Donald.
TRUMP
I don’t want to go to Kenya.
SPIRIT
Sigh. No, a trip to your past.
TRUMP
Why should I believe you? This is all some Deep State plot, isn’t it?
SPIRIT
No, that isn’t a thing.
TRUMP
You aren’t a thing! If you’re really the Spirit of Christmas Past, let me see your death certificate.
SPIRIT
Let’s just go so I can move on to other things.
TRUMP
Wh-Where are you taking me?
SPIRIT
Again — We’re going on a trip into your past.
TRUMP
Who says I have a past?
SPIRIT
Sigh. Behold — It’s you and your father, on a Christmas long ago.
A much younger DONALD TRUMP sits in front of his father, FRED TRUMP’s, desk, slowly bringing his fingers together from either side of his head, his mouth hung open in concentration.
FRED
Goddammit, boy! Pay attention!
DONNIE
Whuh?
FRED
I hope to hell one day you have a son who irritates you as much as you — What the hell are you doing now?
DONNIE
Ball in a cup. See, you try to get the ball —
FRED
Fie and damnation, put that toy away and pay attention, idiot! Now look, I’m going to give you another loan.
TRUMP
He was a very generous man, my father. Very generous. Probably the most generous person ever. After me.
SPIRIT
Uh-huh. Look, someone else is saying something.
FRED
But here’s what I want in exchange… I want you to tell me what you’re going to do with yourself. How are you going to invest this money?
DONNIE
I dunno… Oooh, I could get a solid gold toilet.
FRED
A solid gold toilet.
DONNIE
Uh-huh.
FRED
Jesus Christ.
DONNIE
Hey, Christ is your name!
FRED
I should’ve just let you go to Vietnam.
SPIRIT
“I should have just let you go to Vietnam.” That’s your father talking, Donald. Why do you think he said that? Do you have a new perspective on his words, being a father and a president?
TRUMP
My Vietnam was avoiding venereal disease.
SPIRIT
You — Sigh. I’m just going to tell you what you should learn. You were given immense opportunities. You squandered many of them being vain and shallow. But it’s never too late to change.
TRUMP
Can I change spirits? I like spirits who didn’t get three million less votes than me.
SPIRIT
So be it. Spirit of Christmas Past out.
Scene III
DONALD TRUMP startles awake in his bed.
TRUMP
I beat him. I did it. Again. …Like Lincoln.
VOICE
Even better than Lincoln. Some would say best ever. Me, for example. I would say best ever.
TRUMP
Wh-Who are you? An uneducated voter?
VOICE
No. I’m not dumb enough to vote. Only suckers vote. Winners get voted for.
TRUMP
You — sound like me.
VOICE
False. But also true. I’m the Spirit of Christmas Present.
TRUMP
You brought me a present? Is it the election? Or a court case?
SPIRIT
No, but it should be. You’ve lost so many. You’re due.
TRUMP
I know. It’s all fixed. Fixed!
SPIRIT
You don’t have to tell me. It’s incredible.
TRUMP
Incredible. The biggest steal in history and, you know, it’s all going to be revealed. There will be some stunning reveals at the end of the season and the ratings will be through the roof.
SPIRIT
Through the roof.
TRUMP
So get on with it. What are you here to show me?
SPIRIT
The present.
TRUMP
You said you didn’t bring me a present.
SPIRIT
The present day.
TRUMP
I want to say you’re stupid, but you’re me…
SPIRIT
I’m not you. I just appear as you.
TRUMP
Are you some kind of Democratic hoax?
SPIRIT
No.
TRUMP
Well. This has been fun. You’re a good looking spirit. Manly.
SPIRIT
I know. The most manly spirit.
TRUMP
Oh, yeah. By a lot. It’s incredible. Did you know one of the spirits looked like Barack Obama. Imagine waking up to that.
SPIRIT
The next one is even worse. It’s incredible.
TRUMP
Who’s the next one, Liz Warren?
Scene IV
DONALD TRUMP awakens in his bed yet again, seized with the need to deck his solid gold toilet with beads of urine. He stumbles out of bed and staggers across the bedroom to his master bath.
VOICE
Hey, man.
TRUMP
Yaaaargh! What now?!
VOICE
Aw man, you’re all strawberry and no preserves, you lemon-squeezin’ Chicken Little.
TRUMP
…Joe Biden?
VOICE
No, you pie-faced hobby horse. I’m the Spirit of Christmas Past.
TRUMP
Didn’t I already meet the Spirit of Christmas Past?
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Hey, shut up, man!
TRUMP
I feel like you really are Joe Biden. Did he kick the bucket already?
SPIRIT
Quiet down, corn pop — we got a lot of future to get to!
TRUMP
I thought you said you were the Spirit of Christmas Past.
SPIRIT
You thought you were the winner of the election, too. You think all kinds of things, you liver-spotted deuce of diamonds.
TRUMP
Let’s just go.
SPIRIT
Hold on tight, Jack, we’re about to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!
TRUMP
…What is this? Where are we?
SPIRIT
Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo. Man, I love this show!
TRUMP
You took me to the taping of a reality show? A show I beat in the ratings? What am I supposed to learn from this?
SPIRIT
Hell, I don’t know — Stay true to yourself or something. Now cram a silver spoon in your cheese hole, there’s Mama June… And she looks like she’s got something to say!
TRUMP wakes up panting, in a cold sweat. He rushes from the bed and throws open the window to the street below.
TRUMP
Hey! You! Ugly little girl!
PROTESTER
What the hell do you want, fascist?
TRUMP
What day is this?
PROTESTER
Why, it’s Christmas day, stupid!
TRUMP
Christmas day? Christmas day?! Christmas! Melania! Melania, wake up! I have to tell you something!
MELANIA
Mmmmm… No touchy-touchy.
TRUMP
I’ve got to go. Important business. Huge. Some would say it’s incredible and they’d be correct.
Melania
Mmmm… No. No. You go now.
TRUMP
Your money’s on the dresser.
Scene V
INT: The Cratchit Home — Christmas Day
The CRATCHIT FAMILY is sitting down to Christmas dinner, amiably chatting and enjoying their holiday with their family and various hangers-on, including their Dickensian youngest child, TINY TIM. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.
EMILY CRATCHIT
I’ll get it.
EMILY goes to the door and opens it to find DONALD TRUMP. TRUMP looks annoyed it took her so long.
EMILY
Oh, Mister Trump! We weren’t expecting you!
TRUMP
Maybe I don’t want to come in.
EMILY
Please come in!
TRUMP
OK, but only because you said ‘please.’ You’re very rude.
EMILY
Haha. Merry Christmas, Mister Trump!
TRUMP
Is this where you live? What a shithole.
EMILY
Uh… huh. Well, come right this way, we were just about to have Christmas dinner.
TRUMP
Can I go in here? Is that allowed? Are you going to allow me to go in here? I thought this was a free country.
EMILY
Just… go into the dining room.
TRUMP
I will. But because I was going to anyway. Nasty woman.
CRATCHIT
Oh! Mister Trump! What a surprise! Uh — Why don’t you… stay for dinner?
TINY TIM
Welcome, sir!
TRUMP
Ew. What’s wrong with him?
EMILY
He was crippled by a right wing militia.
TRUMP
Fake news. Bob — Can I call you ‘Bob’? Bob… I don’t know your last name. I came because I had a dream. It was incredible. Best dream ever. You remember when Martin Luther King said he had a dream? This was better than that.
CRATCHIT
O — O…kay?
TRUMP
I made a very important decision. Huge decision. Had to come over and tell you about it. Big decision. Very big.
CRATCHIT
What’s… your decision?
TRUMP
You’re fired.
The CRATCHIT FAMILY stares at TRUMP uncomprehendingly.
TRUMP
You’re fired.
The CRATCHIT FAMILY stares at TRUMP uncomprehendingly.
TRUMP
Like I say on the show. You’ve seen it. It had great ratings.
CRATCHIT
Mister… Trump… Ah… You — You can’t fire me. I don’t work for you.
TRUMP
Overturned.
TINY TIM
And to all a good night!
EMILY
…Who are you talking to, dear?
TRUMP
Probably Antifa.
And so we’ve all learned an important lesson about…
Some would say the best lesson ever. Just incredible.
Good luck stealing that, Demonrats.
