My Fellow Americans… Antifa Has Cheated On My Wife
Dear voters,
Recently, you may have encountered “overwhelming evidence” suggesting I cheated on my wife. You may have seen pictures, heard recordings, or spoken to one of 27 alleged witnesses, including my son Jared. Please note that none of these things should be trusted, especially Jared.
Yes, it’s true…
My wife has been cucked.
While I spent many long nights at my office, defending liberty, my beloved wife was betrayed. No, not by me. By George Soros and his Antifa goons acting as me.
Allow me to explain…
With the help of Russian agents, Antifa agitators — and Joe Biden — took advantage of secret Cold War technology to open a Satanic portal to an alternative Earth where up was down, right was wrong, and transgender dogs were cats. There they employed the services of my doppelganger, a man exactly like me in every way except for the mental illness of liberalism and a goatee. Together with this Deep Statesman, Antifa constructed an elaborate double life they’ve now accused me of having lived for the last twelve years, complete with crisis actor children and a joint Facebook account with an ex-Hooters waitress named Candi.
None of this is true.
Naturally, these sexual socialists think nothing of the damage they’ve done. All they care about is getting punished for being bad. Well, they should be. They should be punished until they can’t stand it anymore and beg for mercy. But mercy shouldn’t come unless they do. …Come to Jesus, that is.
Why does Antifa hate my marriage, you ask?
Is it because my wife and I used to enjoy the occasional socially conservative date night? Was it the fiscally responsible gifts I used to buy her? Or perhaps they simply couldn’t stand another minute sleeping in matching twin beds like Lucy and Desi Arnaz? My marriage is a refutation of their utopian fantasies where men are free to marry not only women, but anything that strikes their twisted fancy, be it man, woman, or child. They compare my marriage to their vision of a pagan swingers party and find it poor and huddled, yearning to be free.
As I am learning the hard way, freedom is a dangerous thing when we cannot choose our consequences. I am saddened by the hurt Antifa has caused on my behalf and outraged by the public’s knowledge of their marital misdeeds.
However, now is not the time to cast blame, but to join forces in the face of Antifa’s vile agenda. If they’re willing to violate the sanctity of my marriage, where will it end? Will they cheat on my taxes for the last seventeen years? Will they get high on goofballs and run over an immigrant boy? Will they pass legislation classifying safewords as hate speech?
I shudder to think of the kinky weirdos counting down the days until my granddaughter’s friends are legal.
Who’s the real deplorable? I ask you.
My fellow Americans, I ask for your continued support during this trying time. Please pray for our country, the troops, and President Trump. Also my wife.
Thank you,
The Office of Cornelius Bowman
United States Senator
