We Asked Boomers to Identify These Mr. Men Characters… That Led to This
Introduced in 1971, Mr. Men is really something you’d expect Baby Boomers to be aware of. Given that the oldest members of their generation would have been in their mid-20’s when the beloved children’s book series began (and likely already had a number of love-in babies), asking seniors to identify 10 of the more popular characters would seem like a walk in the park.
It was not.
And thank God for that, because having coherent people be correct in their knowledge of meaningless trivia from half a century ago would be a terrible article, even for us.
Our sample group:
Aldon Boorman, 71:
Vicki Hartridge, “48”:
Clarence Jackson, 70:
And now, onto our largely pointless social experiment…
Aldon: Oh, look at that smug son of a bitch. He’s proud of himself, isn’t he? Probably a damn Democrat. I name him Tax Cheat Tom.
Vicki: Well, he’s yellow and it looks like he’s faking that smile. I’m going to say he’s a Chinaman. Chinaman Stan? Kids like rhyming.
Clarence: This is some good-ass coffee. Is this instant or did you brew this?
Aldon: She looks like she has a lot of energy! Too much, I say. Probably needs some kind of shot. I’m going to call her Spastic Sally.
Vicki: Oh, she looks like she’d be a lot of fun! She reminds me of my granddaughter. I’m always glad when she goes home. Her name is Coral. “Coral.” Think of that.
Clarence: I can tell this is a medium roast, but its body is like a dark roast. What is this, Folgers?
Aldon: Oh, look out, everybody, here comes Crybaby Carl! He’s too delicate to play with the real children, but he’ll take a participation trophy, by God!
Vicki: Now there’s someone who’s looking for attention. Lazy, that’s what he is. Why work when you can make a big show of your little boo-boos and leech off the government, right, Fraudulent Fred?
Clarence: You know what I like is I can tell you brewed this in an actual pot. Don’t fall for those K-cups, man. You know what the “K” stands for? “Keurig”? No, it’s probably a real word.
Aldon: She looks like she’s laughing at me. “Hohoho, maybe it’s time we took Grandpa’s car keys away.” Polly Pompous?
Vicki: She seems very pleased with herself, in spite of her obvious weight problem. Pack it in, honey, or it’s all downhill from here. She won’t listen. Just like my daughter. I should have saved everyone a lot of time and heartache and just called her “Lesbian Linda.”
Clarence: I’ve never been much for cream and sugar. I like to taste the coffee, you know? Really get in there.
Aldon: You can just look at him and know what Uncle Reacharound’s got on his mind. Pervert.
Vicki: He’s got his hands out… and he’s tipping his hat like he’s trying to be polite. Harry Handout? Is that a name?
Clarence: Mmm-mmm-mmm. Do I detect a hint of chicory?
Aldon: Now, he looks like he knows the score! He’s probably the boss at the factory where the rest of the little things work. I bet he’s frowning because so many of them called out sick. Poor bastard probably has an ulcer. Does that play into his name? Ulysses Ulcer?
Vicki: I like his top hat. You can tell he’s done well for himself. He looks like my husband if he were blue and square. I like that smoldering squint. I think his name is Governor Goodlooking.
Clarence: Sometimes I like a little biscotti with a good cup of coffee.
Aldon: I immediately dislike this character. You can tell she’s taking advantage of someone who fell into her man-trap and now she sits at home like she’s a queen in her crown and house shoes. I bet she’s married to poor Ulysses Ulcer. Probably has a hooker name like Deborah.
Vicki: Well, well, well, it looks like even Her High-and-Mighty Majesty is subject to Father Time! Look at those little lines around her eyes. Never even mind all the swelling.
Clarence: I tell you what I like in the afternoon is that iced coffee. Now, with that, I do like cream and sugar. I usually get vanilla, but sometimes I get a little wild and get some mocha up in there.
Aldon: This guy thinks he’s a cowboy. Can I say that or is it “cow-person” now? This isn’t even a cow-person. People don’t look like that. That thing would be shot dead by a real cow-person and I’m glad to hear it. I don’t know its name. Satan?
Vicki: He seems pleasant, but you can’t ever be sure. He could be the kind who makes a big show of how nice and polite he is because he smells a pension. Well, I’m not falling for it, you Red Communist snake. I bet that’s his name: Red Communist.
Clarence: You ever try those espresso beans? It’s like coffee candy. I don’t know about that.
Aldon: Well, that one’s clearly a transvestite. And a shoddy one, at that. Back in my day, we used to put some effort into it. If I saw this thing walking down the street, I’d say, “Hey mac, we can see your pointy parts!” It’s so obvious that’s probably part of his/her name. Pointy Parts Pat. “Pat” like Patrick.
Vicki: Look at those shoes! She’s either blind or tasteless. Or poor. Either way, don’t come around me, Clodhopper Clara!
Clarence: Can I get a refill on this?
Aldon: That one looks like a brain with arms and legs. I bet he thinks he just knows everything. Know-It-All Ned, I call him. I don’t call him. Find somebody who cares, college boy!
Vicki: That’s just terrible. A character like that makes children think their appearance doesn’t matter. It does. No one wants to hire a monstrosity like this, with squiggles everywhere and an ugly little face. You don’t want to grow up like Ernie Embarrassment.
Clarence: Hey, it’s one of them Mr. Men characters. Don Draper.
In retrospect, it makes sense why we were turned down for that grant.
